There’s a Plum on Your Back (Shame is a Poison Apple)
What the heck does that even mean, and why is there a plum on my back?? If you have ever seen the anime, Fruits Basket, it shows we have an ability to see the good in others, but not our own goodness sometimes. This is like seeing a hypothetical plum on someone’s back, but they do not see it themselves. Why is it so hard to see or accept the good in ourselves? Why see it at all? How can I do that?
Seeing the good in others can come easily, yet the hardest part is sometimes extending that same kindness or patience to yourself. You may be reading this and think, “Yeah, okay but how?” We often see the good in others, the potential they have, and sometimes think, “They could be so much happier. They are amazing, but they just don’t see it! Why can’t they just see it?” The truth is, it doesn’t mean that is not their full potential, but it means we each are living our lives as we choose to. Sometimes it can be hard not to push someone, or resist explaining (in a very thoughtful way) all the ways they are great or have a potential you see in them. But honestly, they may be just fine with how they are- even if you can see their own strength. Also, if you are thinking of others in that way, chances are you may be hard on yourself and feeling as if you are not living up to your own potential- being good enough. Feeling the pressure to always be better, or do better is really shame and insecurity hiding under achievement. Always pushing yourself to be better can mean never feeling good enough, and shame makes sure you never feel good enough.
If you find yourself thinking, “If I can get to this point in my life (get this item/event/goal etc...) I will be happy.” You may notice the finish line changes over time, always just out of reach. Is it happiness you seek or the absence of shame?
Shame is like taking a bite of a poison apple; the apple seems fine until the full effects are felt…you feel horrible, both literally and figuratively. Finding ways to grow and change is a good thing, however when we are consumed by thinking about needing to do better to be good enough, we are telling ourselves that we are never satisfied and not good enough. It can be pushing yourself to that magical turning point (graduation, marriage, dream job, climbing mount Everest), but when you get there, not being able to feel the final finish line. There is a moment of bliss, and shortly after, instead of feeling full of happiness and contentment, you are left with thinking about the next big goal. We use shame to motivate us: “I suck. I could totally do or be at that point I want to be, but I’m not. Why can’t I just get there? I should work harder and then I will get there.” The reality is we can get into a cycle of being fueled by fear, shame, or self-doubt and end up relying on achievement to fill the void of not being good enough. That sets us up for never feeling good enough and having to continue pushing ourselves to improve without truly feeling happy or content in life. So, we keep living that way until one day we realize we have rushed through life and have missed out on our own inner peace and happiness.
What do I do with my shame?
Being comfortable with feeling uncomfortable is the best way to see a difference in life. We all have things we want to work on, but if it is done by criticizing ourselves, the feeling of achievement will not make us truly happy. That is not happiness, it is the temporary absence of shame. The cycle continues to avoid feeling guilt or shame. If you want to grow - great! If your self-worth depends on accomplishing tasks or events, that is insecurity driven by shame. Shame likes to take the shiny medal we worked so hard for and give a poison apple in return. “Remember when you accomplished that hard thing? Wow what a rush. Now hurry and do it again and pick something tougher. If you don’t, you won’t be valued, worthy, interesting or successful!” Shame is never satisfied. It wants us to do more, be more.
Begone shame!
Instead, we can choose to be patient with ourselves, which in turn can lead to self-compassion. If that happens, we are more likely to seek, and feel good about changes we want in life (and can also pack shame’s happy butt back in the chariot it came from). Shame can be prevented from building a foundation. It can start with little moments like feeling guilty from looking at a pile of dirty clothes, telling ourselves, “I should have already done laundry already. I am so behind.” You can say back, “Yes there is laundry, so what? The world will not end. I am doing my best, and that is okay. I am human,” or, “I am learning how to rest and recharge. That is important to me.” Then when the task is being done, you can say, “Wow, I am doing a great job of taking care of myself. I am doing a load of laundry and I will have nice clean clothes to wear.”
By appreciating the little things, a greater piece of the pie can be happiness, instead of chasing the feeling for only big moments in life. If we want to feel different, we have to things do differently. We can allow ourselves to change in our own time. If we rush through life, we are taking away the chance of positivity, progress, and a true sense of fulfillment. Viewing the change or task in a different light as, “I am not there yet, and that is okay, I am human,” or, “I am working towards that,” or, “I can give myself space to live and grow.” Not only can you have the opportunity to feel more peaceful, content and happy, but will also leave space to give others this same patience and opportunity.
